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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26655844">What Friends Aren't For</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zucchini_in_a_Bikini/pseuds/Zucchini_in_a_Bikini'>Zucchini_in_a_Bikini</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Yu-Gi-Oh! Zexal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Cop show references, Crack, Friends With Benefits, Good Cop Bad Cop, Humor, Interrogation, Little Red Riding Hood parody, M/M, Out of Character, Plot Twists, Teenager Thomas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:47:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,074</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26655844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zucchini_in_a_Bikini/pseuds/Zucchini_in_a_Bikini</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Christopher receives a call in the midst of...BROWSING ART...on the London Museum of Modern Art's website. Sighing, he zipped up his pants and answered the call. </p><p>Oh no! His best friend (with benefits) is ill! And what a cold it is, making him sound all funny and stuff. </p><p>Knowing what he has to do, he prepares his special meal for Kaito and makes his way through the woods, joined by a very hungry Thomas. It's going to take all of Christopher's big brother skills to keep Thomas away from Kaito's special meal! </p><p>Not only that, is Kaito even Kaito?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>V | Chris Arclight/Tenjou Kaito</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>What Friends Aren't For</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>  </p><p>  Christopher put his carefully prepared meal into the wicker basket. Looking furtively around, he quickly grabbed a bottle of whiskey and added it in. As if that wasn’t enough, he took a bottle of pinot noir for good measure and then closed the basket in satisfaction. <em>A little bit of alcohol never hurt when you had a cold.</em> <em>Oh, wait. </em>Opening up the basket once more, he unlocked the alcohol cabinet and put in a small bottle of blackberry mead, some imported vodka and, just in case Kaito was feeling particularly low, a can of ice cold Bud Lite™️. </p><p> </p><p><em>   You could never be too sure, </em> he thought as he pulled on his hoodie and grabbed his basket. Its hefty weight made him grunt with effort. <em> Damn</em>. Maybe instead of having his six pack tattooed on, he should have hired a personal trainer instead.</p><p> </p><p>   Closing the door behind him, he made sure that the door was locked and nodded when the door held firm. Walking down the path, he thought back to last night’s events. He was scrolling through some...<em> ahem, </em>suggestive art on the London Museum of Modern Art’s website...and then the phone rang. He grumbled and picked it up. </p><p> </p><p>  “Hello?” he called. </p><p> </p><p>  “Hey Chris. It’s me, Kaito,” said his friend. </p><p> </p><p>  There was a nasal tone to his friend’s voice. And there was also something else that was off, but Christopher couldn’t put his finger on it, partially because this was a telephone call and not something in person. </p><p> </p><p>  “Is everything alright?” asked Christopher as he zipped up his pants. </p><p> </p><p>   Coughing that sounded fake came from the other side, like that scene from <em> Mean Girls</em>. </p><p> </p><p>  “I’m sick,” said Kaito in the same tone as Karen from <em> Mean Girls.  </em></p><p> </p><p>  “Oh, do you want me to come over?” says Christopher, instead of saying ‘Boo, you whore’ because Kaito was going to get no one in those tight tights. </p><p> </p><p>  “Yeah. Tomorrow would be great.” </p><p> </p><p>  “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”</p><p> </p><p>  And then Christopher hung up. He thought he had heard some squeaking in the background. It was probably just the TV.</p><p> </p><p>   Returning to the present, he smiled as he breathed in the forest air. The path was filled with flowers and birdsong surrounded him. Kaito's home was just on the other side of the forest. Embracing the peaceful mood, Christopher began to hum a sad song merrily. </p><p> </p><p>  After a few moments of walking, he began to feel watched. He pulled his hood back, hoping that he looked less like a drug dealer. A druggie was probably following him, in hopes that his basket had drugs. No, he didn't have any drugs. Just alcohol. Which, I guess was a drug but it was a legal one. </p><p> </p><p>   The leaves began to rustle, yet there was no wind in the air. Unease crept up Christopher's spine. He continued to walk, and started to hum louder this time. <em> Smart choice, Chris </em>. And then the bushes in front of him exploded. Literally. Before he could drop the bag, run or have an accident, his big brother instincts honed in on the figure in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>  This wasn't a druggie. It was just Thomas, his good-for-nothing brother. </p><p> </p><p><em>   Good-for-nothing? </em>That’s kind of harsh, Chris. Aren’t you forgetting that his performance royalties pay for the rent? Well, whatever. </p><p> </p><p>  Thomas smiled and brushed his hair back. </p><p> </p><p>  “Whatcha’ got in that basket, Chris?” he asked. </p><p> </p><p>  Christopher frowned in disapproval. He put his hand protectively over the basket lid. </p><p> </p><p>  “This food is for Kaito. He’s sick,” explained Christopher tersely. </p><p> </p><p>  Thomas rolled his eyes and crept closer to his brother. </p><p> </p><p>  “When <em> isn’t </em>Kaito sick? Just give me the bag,” demanded Thomas. </p><p> </p><p>  <em> Ouch. I mean, it’s kind of true though.  </em></p><p> </p><p>  “No,” growled Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>  Before Christopher could shout, he felt the tip of a gun press into his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>  “You have three options here, bro. One, you give me the basket and we’ll go our own ways—”</p><p> </p><p>  “We live in the same house,” muttered Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>  Thomas growled and pressed the gun harder into Christopher’s stomach. </p><p> </p><p>  “Option two, you let me tag along and when we get there, I’ll eat all of <em> his </em>food. Or option three, refuse both of the previous options and say goodbye to your lower intestines and spend the rest of your life shitting in a bag.”</p><p> </p><p>Sighing, Christopher put two fingers up. </p><p> </p><p>  “You can be Kaito’s problem.” </p><p> </p><p>  “Scout’s promise?”</p><p> </p><p>  Christopher rolled his eyes and let out another sigh. </p><p> </p><p>  “Scout’s promise.”</p><p> </p><p>  Christopher felt the gun pull away and breathed a sigh of relief. His relief soon turned into dismay as he saw the orange tip of a nerf gun staring back at him alongside Thomas’s smug smile. </p><p>  </p><p>  “Good. And since you’re a man of your word, you’ll be keeping your promise,” chuckled Thomas. </p><p> </p><p>  A groan escaped from Christopher and Thomas guffawed. </p><p> </p><p>  “Come on, I haven’t eaten in like, ten minutes.”</p><p> </p><p>  Like most teenage boys, Thomas was still in his growing phase. Christopher silently hoped that with all the food Thomas was eating, he’d grow taller than Kaito. As the brothers began to walk together, Thomas began to talk. </p><p> </p><p>  And talk. </p><p> </p><p>  And talk. </p><p> </p><p>  And talk.</p><p> </p><p>  They went through the paths of the forest unbothered, most likely due to Thomas’s inability to shut the hell up. </p><p> </p><p>  “<em> Pllleeaaassseee?? </em>Just one bite of the special meal..,” pleaded Thomas for the fifth time. </p><p> </p><p>  “<em> No, </em>” growled Christopher. “We can make it at home.” </p><p> </p><p>  “No!” shouted Thomas, stomping his feet. “I want it now! I haven’t eaten in half an hour! I AM GOING TO LITERALLY DIE!” </p><p> </p><p>  Silence followed as Christopher plugged in his earbuds and threw on his hood. Yet that didn’t deter his 17-year brother from making noise. In fact, it even made him louder. After a few moments of gossiping about his latest stint on the dueling circuit to no reply, Thomas pouted. He roughly yanked out Christopher’s earbuds and shouted, </p><p> </p><p>  “ARE WE THERE YET?!?”</p><p> </p><p>  It took all of Christopher’s self control not to slap Thomas. He rubbed his ear in pain. </p><p> </p><p>  “No..,” he mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>  He plugged in his earbuds once again. Much to his chagrin, Thomas began to sing. </p><p> </p><p>  “On the road again…”</p><p> </p><p>  Gritting his teeth, Christopher played the song on his ipod once again. </p><p> </p><p>  “Let’s play the silent game. Winner gets the basket and the special meal,” declared Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>  Instantly, Thomas quieted...for like, two minutes. And then he was back to complaining and whining. The album restarted and Christopher hissed in annoyance. He had barely heard anything. Angrily, he pulled out his ear buds. Noticing his brother's action, Thomas began to talk a bit quieter. Of course, it was still annoying but at least Christopher wasn't dealing with the frustration of trying to hear Green Day over Thomas. </p><p> </p><p>  Just as he thought that his ears were going to explode from Thomas's complaints and pleading, he was saved by the sight of Kaito’s house. It was like arriving at the gates of Eden after walking through an annoying, talkative desert. Christopher ran up to the door and eagerly knocked. </p><p> </p><p>  “Come in!” called Kaito’s voice. “The door isn’t locked.” </p><p> </p><p>  Christopher raised a skeptic eyebrow. That cold must have done a number on Kaito’s voice. He wondered if he had brought enough alcohol. Exchanging a look with his brother, he rolled his eyes as Thomas gleefully rubbed his hands and licked his lips. Shrugging, Christopher opened up the door and walked inside. Soon after, he’s pushed aside by Thomas, who ran straight into the kitchen on a quest to find the fridge. Following the sounds of Kaito’s shouting, Christopher walked into the living room, where Kaito had moved his bed right in front of the TV. Buried under a mountain of blankets, Christopher could only see Kaito’s pale turnipy head. </p><p> </p><p>  A thin hand stuck out of the blankets and pointed to Thomas, who was eating from a tub of yogurt while the fridge door was still open. </p><p> </p><p>  “Whuh?” asked Thomas as he noisily crunched on the granola. </p><p> </p><p>  “What the hell is he doing here?!” snapped Kaito. “That’s <em> my </em>food!” </p><p> </p><p>  Christopher weakly shrugged. He placed the basket by his friend’s bed with a heavy <em> clunk </em>and massaged his aching shoulders. Then he opened up the basket and gave Kaito his special meal, packed in its own bag. Giving Christopher a glare, Kaito unwrapped the package. When he looked at the contents, he wrinkled his nose. </p><p> </p><p>  “I could have made this at home,” he muttered. “All by myself.” </p><p> </p><p>  Well he never! Kaito had always loved the special meals he had made for him while he was sick! Maybe this cold really was getting to his friend! </p><p> </p><p>  “Quit eating my dumplings! Those were supposed to last me for a week!” snapped Kaito at Thomas. “You’re not even putting them in the microwave, for fuck’s sake!” </p><p> </p><p>  Christopher awkwardly looked down at the special meal he had painstakingly prepared for Kaito and frowned. </p><p> </p><p>  “He...wanted to eat the meal I had prepared for you. I said no so he said he'd be eating at your house.”</p><p> </p><p>  Kaito’s displeasure only deepend. </p><p> </p><p>  “Fuhgeddaboudit. Keep the meal,” muttered Kaito like a New York mobster. </p><p> </p><p>  He exchanged a look with Thomas, who was happily licking off his fingers as he finished off the last of Kaito’s dumplings. Giving Kaito a devious smile, Thomas walked out.</p><p> </p><p>  “Good riddance,” growled Kaito. </p><p> </p><p>  “Aren’t you in a foul mood today,” noted Christoper drily. </p><p> </p><p>  Silence followed as Kaito reluctantly opened up the meal. Thinking better, he screwed the lid back on and placed it on the floor. Looking into the basket, he pulled out the bottle of whiskey and pinot noir. He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at all the other brands of alcohol inside the basket. </p><p> </p><p>  “Surprise..,” cheered Christopher weakly. </p><p> </p><p>  Kaito sighed and slumped against his pillows. After a few moments of staring at his friend, the odd feeling in Christopher's heart grew. Something besides his sickness made him off...Quite a few somethings, that is. And since he was Kaito’s best friend, Christopher decided to ask. </p><p> </p><p>  “Kaito, why are your eyes bluer than usual?” he asked softly. </p><p> </p><p>  “Winter. It comes for us all,” sighed Kaito.</p><p> </p><p>  Slowly nodding, Christopher gathered his courage and asked the next question. Some people never got over the Game of Thrones finale. He guessed that Kaito was one of those people. </p><p> </p><p>  “Alright...Kaito, why do you have tattoos on your face?” </p><p> </p><p>  “It’s a fashion statement. People who wear onesies like you do don’t understand,” snapped Kaito. </p><p> </p><p>  Hurt by the comment, Christopher looked away and turned towards the TV. </p><p> </p><p>  “Kaito, why is there a Chinese costume drama playing? There’s no subtitles and you don’t even speak Chinese.”</p><p> </p><p>  “Drama is a universal language,” replied Kaito stuffily. </p><p> </p><p>  Christopher swallowed and looked back at Kaito, who glared daggers at him. </p><p> </p><p>  “Oh, Kaito. Why are you so grumpy today?” </p><p> </p><p>  “SO THAT I CAN BE THE ONE TRUE GALAXY EYES MASTER!” roared Kaito.</p><p> </p><p>  He jumped on top of Christopher and yanked off his stiff wig and hastily rubbed at his face. Long, blond hair trailed down to his arms and he shook his hair out like he was in some beach romcom. <em> Mizael. </em>His vibrant tattoos shone against his cheeks, accentuating the malice in his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>  “Tell me all of your student’s dueling secrets. <em> Now, </em>” demanded Mizael. </p><p> </p><p>  “No,” breathed Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>  Mizael glared and looked around. The sight outside the window deepened his fury. </p><p> </p><p>   “GET YOUR PIG ASS BROTHER OUTTA THE VEGETABLE GARDEN!” screeched Mizael. </p><p> </p><p>  Thomas angrily dropped the carrot from his mouth and ran into the house. His lackadaisical demeanor had vanished. A shadow passed over his features. </p><p> </p><p>  “No one...calls me PIG ASS!” screamed Thomas as he tackled Mizael. </p><p> </p><p>  Mizael, Christopher and Thomas rolled about, punching and yanking each other’s bishie-licious hair. Screams filled the air as Mizael’s hair ring was yanked out and Thomas’s carefully cultivated tumbleweed mussed. After a long and epic battle filled with nails and awkward kicks, Christopher and Thomas were able to subdue Mizael. The brothers dragged the unconscious dragon tamer into the basement and tied him to a chair. Grabbing a bucket of water, Thomas nodded as Christopher prepared his torch aka flashlight. </p><p> </p><p>  Roughly, he splashed the bucket of cold water onto Mizael’s face. Christopher then turned on the flashlight and shone it right in Mizael’s eyes. Spluttering, Mizael opened up his eyes. </p><p> </p><p>  “Dibs on bad cop!” crowed Thomas. </p><p> </p><p>  His brother nodded.</p><p> </p><p>  “So..,” began Thomas, cracking his knuckles. “What did you do to Kaito? The <em> real </em>Kaito.” </p><p> </p><p>  Mizael arrogantly smirked. </p><p> </p><p>  “As if I’d tell you.” </p><p> </p><p>  A black eye was slowly appearing on his face. <em> Oh, </em>he would tell. Eventually. Thomas snapped the suspenders on Mizael. </p><p> </p><p>  “Bet those belong to Kaito,” said Thomas. </p><p> </p><p>  Christopher nodded. The middle Arclight smirked and turned back to Mizael. </p><p> </p><p>  “Where is Kaito?” asks Thomas.</p><p> </p><p>  “In Mexico,” replied Mizael sarcastically. </p><p> </p><p>  “From that reply, I can tell that he’s still alive,” said Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>    A hiss of annoyance escaped from Mizael. </p><p> </p><p>    “I’m gonna ask one more time. Where. Is. Kaito?” growled Thomas.</p><p> </p><p>  “Licking your boots,” said Mizael cheerfully. </p><p> </p><p>  Thomas slapped Mizael, the sound filling up the basement. Christopher shoved his brother out of the way. It was time for good cop. </p><p> </p><p>  “Please..,” he began. “He’s my best friend. How would you feel if I impersonated your best friend and then hid the real one?”</p><p> </p><p>  “I’d be glad,” replied Mizael. “Now no one can have him.” </p><p> </p><p>  A whistle came from Thomas. He was silenced by a glare from his brother. </p><p> </p><p>  “I feel sad that you took my friend from me,” announced Christopher, recalling a company training video that said “I” statements were very effective. </p><p> </p><p>  Thomas and Mizael both scoffed in derision. Thomas then pushed his brother out of the way. </p><p> </p><p>  “No one, and I mean <em> no one, </em>gets away with calling me pig ass,” he growled. “Now where the hell is Kaito?”</p><p> </p><p>  “Why would I tell you?”</p><p> </p><p>  “You’re willing to let an innocent man die?” pressed Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>  That was when Mizael’s expression faltered. <em> Bingo, </em>thought Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>  “So you have him in a place where he’s dependent on you for survival. And if you won’t be released, he’ll die,” surmised Christopher. “Does that sound right?”</p><p> </p><p>  Unfortunately, Mizael had clammed up. Taking out his phone, Thomas motioned it towards the surly dragon tamer. </p><p> </p><p>  “Listen, buddy. I know Jake Peralta. He’s a family friend of ours. You want him to be the one running the show?” threatened Thomas.</p><p> </p><p>  Mizael vehemently shook his head, not really knowing who he was but certain that he meant trouble. </p><p> </p><p>  “Then tell us where Kaito is,” said Thomas, his finger hovering over the <em> call </em>button. </p><p> </p><p>  A heated silence followed. Thomas’s finger edged towards the button. </p><p> </p><p>  “Oh, not scared of Jake? I’ll call in David Rossi from the BAU, he’ll get your psycho ass talking,” he growled. </p><p> </p><p>  Mizael continued to silently glare at Thomas. The middle Arclight sighed and shook his head. </p><p> </p><p>  “I really didn’t want to do this, buddy. But I’m getting Judge Judy on the line. She’s had years of training in the art of interrogating morons just like you. Oh, and did I mention she’s more sassier than you and Kaito combined?” </p><p> </p><p>  <em> Now </em>Mizael was shaking his head. So threats did work. Thomas rifled through his celebrity contacts and was dismayed to find that Judy Sheindlin was nowhere to be found. He took in a sharp breath. There was only one (legal) option. He opened up mobile photoshop and began to paste together a Judge Judy contact screen. </p><p> </p><p>  “She’s so scary,” said Thomas to cover up for his sharp breath. </p><p> </p><p>  Just as he finished the fake contact screen, Mizael’s head slumped. </p><p>  </p><p>  “I’ll...tell,” he mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>  “Yes?” began Christopher hopefully. </p><p> </p><p>  “He’s in this house,” said Mizael weakly. </p><p> </p><p>  “Where?” asked Christopher. </p><p> </p><p>  Once again, Mizael had silenced. Thomas saved and then exported his photoshopped masterpiece. He showed Mizael his work and then took the phone back, typing on his phone. </p><p> </p><p>  “I’m texting her right now,” he warned. </p><p> </p><p>  In reality, he was ordering an extra large pizza from Dominos’ alongside some wings and a coke. Honestly, he wouldn’t know what he’d do if he actually had to resort to calling Judge Judy. </p><p> </p><p>  “Okay..,” mumbled Mizael. “Fine.”</p><p> </p><p>  “Kaito is..?” prompted Christopher.</p><p> </p><p>  “In the grandfather clock.” </p><p> </p><p>  “What?!” exclaimed the two Arclight brothers in unison. </p><p> </p><p>  Thomas went back to his photoshopped image and shoved it in Mizael’s face. </p><p> </p><p>  “Any funny business and you’re gonna be on TV,” he hissed. </p><p> </p><p>  Mizael gulped. The two Arclight brothers carried him upstairs and headed towards the mahogany grandfather clock. Going behind Mizael, Thomas pulled out his Nerf gun and stuck it behind Mizael’s head. If it felt real and he couldn’t see it, he’d assume that it was real. The whimper that followed confirmed Thomas’ hypothesis. Gently, Christopher pulled open the grandfather clock and out hopped Kaito, clad in...a few suggestive articles of bondage. <em> Yikes. Mizael had found out Kaito’s non-dueling secret.  </em></p><p> </p><p>“Kaito!” exclaimed Christopher as he rushed to remove the gag and the blindfold. “You’re safe now.” </p><p> </p><p>  Hurriedly, Christopher and Thomas proceeded to remove Kaito’s straps with the help of Christopher’s extra key (that Kaito had given him for his birthday). Then came the arm binders. Then the collar. Then the shackles. Then ▉▉▉▉▉ and ▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉ and all the other things that would make your mama cry. Now free from his restraints, Kaito gasped as Christopher hugged him. Even Mizael had said “aaww…” That was when all the attention was refocused on the dragon tamer. The air crackled with tension as Kaito pulled away from Christopher and stood up on shaky legs. He slowly approached Mizael and then kicked over his chair. </p><p> </p><p>  “Help me get this intruder out of my house,” he said in a rusty voice. </p><p> </p><p>  Happily obliging, the Arclight brothers grabbed Mizael and his chair and threw him out the window with a crash. Just then, there was a knock at the door and Thomas licked his lips. </p><p> </p><p>  “Now who’s ready for lunch?” he declared. </p><p> </p><p>  After Kaito bathed and put on some clothes, him and the two Arclight brothers happily ate up the pizza and wings. Finally full, Thomas picked up his phone and nodded.</p><p> </p><p>  “I’m out, guys. Thanks for the adventure. Ryoga’s gonna be picking me up for karaoke night,” said Thomas as he walked out the door. </p><p> </p><p>  The sound of a motorcycle speeding away was heard soon after. Left alone, Christopher smiled at Kaito and brought back his specially prepared meal. Kaito smiled as he opened up the jar, his tired eyes filling with light. </p><p> </p><p>  “How thoughtful of you, Chris. My favorite meal. A jar of your very own semen.”</p><p>
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